Over the last eighteen months, through a series of ministry and personal challenges, I've begun to think of the Christian walk as a questing game. I'm not a gamer. I don't even know if you call them questing games: I'm talking about the ones where you are a character facing a series of challenges with your group. Every time you come around a corner, there could be a battle and/or reward waiting for you. (The main impression I have of them is from the webseries "The Guild".) Alongside feeling like I'm playing some kind of questing game, I've been reminded of the Pilgrim's Progress, which I read when I was a young Christian, although I only have some vague memories of it.
So, it shouldn't be a surprise that the start of my sabbatical has not been like I expected. In the busyness of getting ready to leave the flat, ministry and friends, I had the feeling God was gently telling me not to have too many expectations and to be ready for him to take things in different directions than I imagined. So far, on paper, everything has gone to plan: I went to a retreat centre for missionaries, then to Morecambe (seaside town), followed by a weekend with one of my brothers, sister-in-law and nephew (3), and yesterday afternoon I arrived with my aunt and uncle. It is mainly the feel of things that has been different than I expected. Some things in a big way. Some in lower level ways. For example, I often find journeys a good time to pray or read and although I did have some good prayer time on one of the journeys, most of them have been more about transition, organising things or switching off, than about space and time to pray. On the other hand, some of the more dramatically unexpected things pushed me to pray and focus on God more than I have for a while. God is at work, and I think he is most obvious in the unexpected, not in spite of it.
A lot of what is unexpected is in me or my own reactions. Unexpected is perhaps too strong a word for some of it. I have surprised myself by reacting to bigger things in ways I imagine I would have struggled to in the past. And yet I'm aware that these are not really my reactions but God working through me. That's not me over spiritualising things, or stating the obvious, that God is at work through us. I'm talking about the times when you know so clearly that it is God giving you strength or a reaction, even maybe insight you would not have had otherwise. I am also aware that as I slow down, especially from the last couple of months, but also from the last seven years, my brain seems to be slowing down too. Perhaps this is unsurprising, but it is a strange experience after running on adrenaline for weeks, to not only feel your muscles start to relax and sleep start to be restored, but also your brain slowing down and not functioning like normal. I wonder if there is information out there about what happens to someone physically, mentally and emotionally during a sabbatical?
It's a funny thing, when I was first challenged to think about taking an imminent sabbatical, over a year ago, the thought of going to somewhere by myself seemed desolate, and the thought of going somewhere that I needed to meet strangers seemed overwhelming. Right now, both seem like attractive propositions for different reasons. Partly it was the idea of going overseas to another new culture that seemed overwhelming. Loneliness seemed scary. Sleeping somewhere new seemed exhausting. Similarly, as people have heard my plans over the last month, some have pointed out that I am doing a lot of travelling. And I myself have reflected that it is a strange plan for someone who doesn't sleep well somewhere new, and has developed a series of hang-ups over the last few years about sleeping places that there are other people I don't know well. I also like to be rooted in one place, and I love where I live and what I do. Yet as I start out, I have been reminded how much I love to travel. For some it is a chore or a source of fear, but I love the process of travelling (as long as I can return somewhere stable). I think in the next 6 months, being a guest will get old, but for now I'm enjoying seeing family, meeting different people as I travel, seeing different places and being a guest.
Another surprise has been how much of a relief it was to hand over responsibility for ministry related things to other people. I miss being around young people (it's low level just now, especially with my brain being so tired but I'm sure it will ramp up over the weeks and months), yet I'm almost indecently relieved not to have the responsibility of ministry. I was really unaware that that is an issue for me. My guess is that by the time I get back, and probably much sooner, I will be raring to go and to take that back on, but the completely unexpected sense of relief is another sign that this sabbatical comes at the right time. Perhaps it also points to some other things that I will figure out over time. I have some ideas floating through my head, but there is plenty of time ahead to sift through them with a little more distance.
What I am trying to say is that, the physical journey is in some ways reflective of what is going on inside of me and with God. The journey is a continuous part of the "quest", not separate from it. You don't know what to expect as you travel, what delays, complications or exciting things you will see. Some days are eerie, like the calm before the storm of ex-hurricane Ophelia, when the sun was red, the clouds dark, the temperature warm and the stillness almost disquieting. Some days are beautiful and sunny. Sometimes you lie in a strange bed with a bathroom window that won't close and hear a storm rage around you. Some days being alone (with God) feels like the best feeling in the world, some days serving those around you feels weighty and powerful, some days being with family is the balm, some days you are blindsided in a second, others pass restfully or socially. You never know when you go to sleep or when you wake up, what the day or night will bring, but you always know that God will be with you in it. That probably sounds cheesy, but it is one of the strongest truths for every day, not matter what.
I've downloaded the kindle version of "Pilgrim's Progress" (it's free!) so I can re-read it, see if it's like I remember it, and hopefully think through some of these themes some more. But who knows, it might take me in another direction entirely! And I'm ok with that.
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| Steam train that I went on with my brother, sister-in-law & nephew |
So, it shouldn't be a surprise that the start of my sabbatical has not been like I expected. In the busyness of getting ready to leave the flat, ministry and friends, I had the feeling God was gently telling me not to have too many expectations and to be ready for him to take things in different directions than I imagined. So far, on paper, everything has gone to plan: I went to a retreat centre for missionaries, then to Morecambe (seaside town), followed by a weekend with one of my brothers, sister-in-law and nephew (3), and yesterday afternoon I arrived with my aunt and uncle. It is mainly the feel of things that has been different than I expected. Some things in a big way. Some in lower level ways. For example, I often find journeys a good time to pray or read and although I did have some good prayer time on one of the journeys, most of them have been more about transition, organising things or switching off, than about space and time to pray. On the other hand, some of the more dramatically unexpected things pushed me to pray and focus on God more than I have for a while. God is at work, and I think he is most obvious in the unexpected, not in spite of it.
 |
"Red" sun because storm Ophelia dragged sand from the Sahara
and debris from the fires in Spain into the atmosphere.
|
A lot of what is unexpected is in me or my own reactions. Unexpected is perhaps too strong a word for some of it. I have surprised myself by reacting to bigger things in ways I imagine I would have struggled to in the past. And yet I'm aware that these are not really my reactions but God working through me. That's not me over spiritualising things, or stating the obvious, that God is at work through us. I'm talking about the times when you know so clearly that it is God giving you strength or a reaction, even maybe insight you would not have had otherwise. I am also aware that as I slow down, especially from the last couple of months, but also from the last seven years, my brain seems to be slowing down too. Perhaps this is unsurprising, but it is a strange experience after running on adrenaline for weeks, to not only feel your muscles start to relax and sleep start to be restored, but also your brain slowing down and not functioning like normal. I wonder if there is information out there about what happens to someone physically, mentally and emotionally during a sabbatical?
 |
| Morecambe beach on a grey day. |
It's a funny thing, when I was first challenged to think about taking an imminent sabbatical, over a year ago, the thought of going to somewhere by myself seemed desolate, and the thought of going somewhere that I needed to meet strangers seemed overwhelming. Right now, both seem like attractive propositions for different reasons. Partly it was the idea of going overseas to another new culture that seemed overwhelming. Loneliness seemed scary. Sleeping somewhere new seemed exhausting. Similarly, as people have heard my plans over the last month, some have pointed out that I am doing a lot of travelling. And I myself have reflected that it is a strange plan for someone who doesn't sleep well somewhere new, and has developed a series of hang-ups over the last few years about sleeping places that there are other people I don't know well. I also like to be rooted in one place, and I love where I live and what I do. Yet as I start out, I have been reminded how much I love to travel. For some it is a chore or a source of fear, but I love the process of travelling (as long as I can return somewhere stable). I think in the next 6 months, being a guest will get old, but for now I'm enjoying seeing family, meeting different people as I travel, seeing different places and being a guest.
 |
| Morecambe beach on a sunny day. |
Another surprise has been how much of a relief it was to hand over responsibility for ministry related things to other people. I miss being around young people (it's low level just now, especially with my brain being so tired but I'm sure it will ramp up over the weeks and months), yet I'm almost indecently relieved not to have the responsibility of ministry. I was really unaware that that is an issue for me. My guess is that by the time I get back, and probably much sooner, I will be raring to go and to take that back on, but the completely unexpected sense of relief is another sign that this sabbatical comes at the right time. Perhaps it also points to some other things that I will figure out over time. I have some ideas floating through my head, but there is plenty of time ahead to sift through them with a little more distance.
 |
Photo I accidentally took of my brother, sister-in-law & nephew's feet.
I'm not going to put photos of them up here,
so this is a way to represent my time with them,
and also how unexpected things can be useful. 😂
|
What I am trying to say is that, the physical journey is in some ways reflective of what is going on inside of me and with God. The journey is a continuous part of the "quest", not separate from it. You don't know what to expect as you travel, what delays, complications or exciting things you will see. Some days are eerie, like the calm before the storm of ex-hurricane Ophelia, when the sun was red, the clouds dark, the temperature warm and the stillness almost disquieting. Some days are beautiful and sunny. Sometimes you lie in a strange bed with a bathroom window that won't close and hear a storm rage around you. Some days being alone (with God) feels like the best feeling in the world, some days serving those around you feels weighty and powerful, some days being with family is the balm, some days you are blindsided in a second, others pass restfully or socially. You never know when you go to sleep or when you wake up, what the day or night will bring, but you always know that God will be with you in it. That probably sounds cheesy, but it is one of the strongest truths for every day, not matter what.
I've downloaded the kindle version of "Pilgrim's Progress" (it's free!) so I can re-read it, see if it's like I remember it, and hopefully think through some of these themes some more. But who knows, it might take me in another direction entirely! And I'm ok with that.
 |
I wandered into a little café in Morecambe and had a lovely lunch.
It turned out I was one of their first customers!
This heart jar lamp hangs in the window
and seemed symbolic of God's care for me that day.
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